Trigger Warning!
This world is a fucked-up, traumatizing, and hateful place. I live in this world, and so my words, experiences, and thoughts are birthed from within it. Further, it should come to no surprise that this blog will detail many of these fucked-up things in graphic detail. Fortunately, resilience is what I do, and I try my hardest to ferment inspiration from the darkest parts of my life. It's time to confront, it's time to resist, and of course... it's time to win.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Excerpt from a Letter (Written 8/20/09)

Some parts are left out for personal/security reasons.

Hey, I'm rested. I think I'm the only person in jail trying not to waste time, so some days I go without sleeping much, trying to get stuff done, to be productive. So yesterday and the day before I had to participate in two conversations both over an hour long, with the most fucked up person I have ever met in my life... let me give you a run down of a little bit...

He identifies as an industrialist, neo-nationalist (Nazi), Mormon, superior to women, ex-military current militia patriot, drug dealer (meth), pimp (escort security), and he hopes to buy land and clear cut it to make money to buy guns. He wants all minorities dead, all women to know their place, all disabled and white trash dead (haha he grew up "trash"). He thinks Stalin and Lenin's murder of 26 million people was necessary, he knows the holocaust was a lie, he kills animals for fun (and talks about it). He thinks that we're "friends" (i.e. he thinks I'm dumb enough to help him in his causes), he's anti-government but pro-America, he's disgusting, creepy, hateful, and a sociopath. He creeps me out more than any child molester (chomos as they are called here), judge, or cop I have ever met and I've met some evil mother fuckers. 

Anyways after we finish talking I get so upset and overwhelmed... talking to you on the phone was the only thing to calm me down and make me happy.
I am forced to drink city water in here which is disgusting not only in taste, but in contaminants. I think David said this was one among only 20 cities whose water system completely failed the national standards (which are horrible to begin with). for 21 days I couldn't eat any of the food in here save for oranges, lettuce, and occasionally potatoes. I came in at 185 and now I weigh 168... and last week I was 165 so I'm doing better. When I get to state jail they'll have better (but not good and definitely not healthy) food, and I hope to get back to 175 before leaving. My arms have dwindled and my chest too. Oddly enough, my stomach has bloated out. I honestly don't think my arms have been this skinny since I was 12. If not 12 for sure 13.

I'm almost positive that without receiving protein or nutrients if I were to "work out" it would just burn away more muscle. I don't want to become one of those skinny malnourished vegan anarchists (i.e. my friends). But it's all set up to make me break down and start punishing myself, haha they have to be joking themselves to think I'm about to do that.

I'm in a mental health unit because I have a wheat allergy and this is the safest place for me in case of a "medical emergency". So I'm in a unit with 74 people--two to a cell except for the "high risks" that stay in their cells on a 23 hour lock-down. Most of the people aren't crazy (I mean as far as civilized people go) but there are some inflicted people and it breaks my heart. It also breaks the law that they are in here but they have no one advocating for them. I've seen a schizophrenic dwindle to nothing because of this environment... 

This guy "The Colonel" is on 23 hour lockdown and sings children's songs. He's incredibly smart and kind but he's a paranoid schizophrenic and so things trigger him and he goes on yelling rampages. He's allowed out from 1-2am by himself, and the rest of the time he stays in his cell. :( The guards purposefully fuck with these inflicted people to set them off for entertainment purposes. So do the inmates. I've almost gotten into two fights for calling out the inmates on it (I can get in fights here but in state jail its zip my mouth for 75 days) and I've been writing grievances on the fucked up guards (which does nothing here and at state jail would make me a target).

There are also very old people in here in their 70's that are not a threat to anyone and are actually so endangered in here--their eyes are always glossed over and red from sadness or recent tears. It made me think about DGR and Lierre talking about how our movements don't have elders, we don't respect them and she's right, warriors are nothing without the guidance of elders. We just follow the same way the rest of this culture treats them... lock em up in homes if they're rich, and in jails if they're poor. We need to reclaim our elders and the knowledge they carry with them. 

It's about 30-35% black in here when there are less than 10% blacks in the county. Every single one in my unit came from the same neighborhood. The same 8 blocks. The run down part of town on refinery row.
Just to give you an idea of what I'm eating in here: for breakfast I had 1 ounce of cereal with a little cartoon of 2% puss and blood filled industrially factory farmed raped milk, and 3/4 (four out of six slices) of an orange. Then for lunch I had a "salad", which is 2 ounces at most of ice burg lettuce with no dressing (hah), a half of a half of an orange (3 slices this time), one 3 ounce hamburger/soy patty. No bun, no veggies, and no dressing. Also two stick of celery this size...

[______________________] <---This is the size of the picture he drew me.

Dinner will be just like lunch, and I actually get fed better than everyone else because I have a "special diet". It all sounds miserable but it's not. I have Endgame 1 & 2, and Culture of Make Believe. I'm waiting to get more books when I get to state. I have a cool ass anti-civ celly and some other interesting people... we carved and molded a chess set out of soap bars and died the dark pieces with coffee... so playing that has been lots of fun. 

I get tons of letters, not tons but comparatively more than the others, and I know that I've got hella love and support from the outside. It breaks my heart to hear from people getting locked up and coming out to find that everyone they knew and loved is dead (no exaggeration). Fuck prisons and jails, burn them down. But also please please please x32 don't worry. I guarentee I'll be fine, plus it's only making me hate them more. If we could pass out anti-civ literature in every jail/prison (to people who already hate and are most negatively affected by it), civilization would be sooo 2009.
-Jailbird J
(Transcribed by Ruthie)

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