Alyssa...

Alyssa,

The Bahamas are nice this time of year; this vacation was very much needed. I heard a hurricane is headed here soon, so I figured our fly out on my private jet within the next couple days. Before I go, I hope to purchase more sweatshop produced souvenirs for some ridiculously cheap price. Nothing says the Bahamas quite like a “Made in China” authentic sombrero.
You know I called my accountant and they said the person renting out one of my condos was 3 days behind on rent. I called the cops and they said I have to wait 15 days to evict them. Can you believe the nerves of these so called peace officers? You can’t have people just not paying rent, that anarchy and we all know anarchy is the opposite of peace. Plus what about my profits, uhh! It’s so hard being rich.

I’m thinking about putting Steve, my youngest child in rehab. You know his coke habit has reached $300 a day. I mean when I was a kid, if I went over $200, my Dad would take away my BMW. Kids these days.

So I hope all is well with you, I mean not that I really care but I’m obliged to say nice things in letters like this, but really all I care about is me me me me me me me me; oh and don’t forget me. You know I used to pay for hookers, but now I find it much more enjoyable just to have sex with money. Man I love money as much as Jesus loves me.

Here’s to the next million,
Dr. Jayson Thomas III Phd L.M.N.O.P

Written from the Nueces County Jail

(Transcribed by Charity)