Trigger Warning!
This world is a fucked-up, traumatizing, and hateful place. I live in this world, and so my words, experiences, and thoughts are birthed from within it. Further, it should come to no surprise that this blog will detail many of these fucked-up things in graphic detail. Fortunately, resilience is what I do, and I try my hardest to ferment inspiration from the darkest parts of my life. It's time to confront, it's time to resist, and of course... it's time to win.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Excerpt from a Letter (Written 8/11/09)

Here's most of another letter sent just after his court date in Texas. Some parts are left out for personal reasons.

I am in so incredibly tired and in so much pain, but I feel obligated to write you today.

I hope someone let you know the court decision but I'll explain it in detail later. This letter is going to be crude because my body is exhausted and my mind still numb and my heart still racing (it is actually having really sharp pains) but fuck fuck fuck the law! With every ounce of my dying breath, fuck 'em!

I have to say though that my overall feeling is one of absolute adorement. I have the most amazing and inspiring friends, in the whole world. You are included in this without a doubt, but let me give you the run down of the whole day. Wake up and shave, get shackled up and wait for hours to go to court and get bombarded with all sorts of legal paperwork. My friends and Mom are there, my Mom starts crying and it breaks my heart. Then I basically talk on my own behalf. I probably fell short... it's so hard to balance my actual feelings and desires with trying to sound remorseful and all that bullshit.

Then my Mom went up and fuck! What an amazing woman. She did so good Ruth ... she stayed so strong even though during the cross examination the D.A. tried to belittle and ruin her. I wanted to hurt him so badly for making my mom feel like shit. He had no right, and if his job is the excuse then he's still wrong, and even more so.

Then David came up, he did good but was David, all hella relaxed, which is what I needed. Then Charity from Roseburg went ahead and said some of the most loving things I've ever heard. You're going to love her. She has this reserve about her so that when she does speak up finally, it's usually the most amazing clear thoughts, plus she's not "read-up" or any of that. Everything she says comes from experience which is mad crazy!

Then came Sandra, clearly the most eloquent speaker. She has the capability of expressing anti- civ and anarchist sentiments in such a way and tone that it comes off as widely acceptable and desirable. She stood as such a strong Latina woman and refused to be frustrated by the D.A. I'm still crying this whole time, or most of it, it was just so much I couldn't handle it. I could hear my Mom crying behind me and it just killed me.

After Sandra came Tara who spoke with such definitive love and rage... it was so god damn inspiring. It doesn't help that we've been best friends for fucking ever, but god god damn--and when the D.A. tried to trip her up and attack her she fired back with a certainty in herself and in her words that I had never seen in any one else, period.

Then cam Emma. I literally met her the day before I got arrested, but damn I love that girl. Plus her words were straight up in your face anarchy 101. She was able to fill any gaps or doubts previously left open. Then last, but not least, was Jenny from Corpus, and god damn! If you were to take Tara's sincerity and Sandra's clarity and Mom's straight up love and put them in a flour tortilla, that was fucking Jenny.

By the I had stopped crying, but she started... and then I did again. I don't really get the point of explaining it to you like this... the whole thing was surreal. I think for a while I forgot why I was there. I even forgot that it was for me.

Also in the court was Alyse (an old friend from CC, TX) and she was so strong the whole time, Kaleb (a new friend who came all the way from Roseburg) who I literally had talked to for like 30 minutes before getting locked up but now I feel the ultimate love and friendship for, Alyssa (my new friend who's moving to Roseburg!) who I spent some time with having the best connection and personal talks with--she is such an adorable and caring kid, and George who without a doubt is my most underappreciated friend. I've been through so much with him and we go for months without talking, but I can't think of anyone else I'd want to spend hard time with. Okay maybe Mumia (???can't read it) but that's because he's already holding it down.

There was at least one more person, maybe two, but I couldn't see because all the seats were full. The amount of love that was expressed in that court is going to keep me strong every day I'm locked up and then for the rest of my life, and that's not an overstatement. I had never felt so much on the right side than I did today, I guess that's the point of all this. There I stood against the most destructive and powerful government of all times, and I was not in the least bit scared. There could not have been a single thing said or done to me that would have made me feel ashamed or in the wrong. You know, me and you are pretty pessamistic about winning (whatever that means) but today I realized that we have the most important traits to win.

Everyone in that room (my mom included) proved to me everything I had always believed. We are on the right side. Each one of us can take a thousand of them. The state can and will do fucked up things to us but we won't break.

I have never been so excited about my personal future and the future in general. I know you are deaestated that I will be locked up for a while (at least 6 months, maybe 2 years).
Just please remember that I'm going to fight on your side till my very last breath and that I will do anything I have to to help you out while I'm locked up, and when I get out. I mean anything and everything ...

(Transcribed by Ruthie)

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