Letter to "Linda"

Space Jam here, for another installment of the Jayson Thomas Fuck the Law Reader.

Today is a special treat for those of yall who aren't from our hood (361 Represent).

If you haven't ever been to Corpus Christi and wonder what it is like, this letter and the characters (some would say caricatures, but those of us who grew up here know all too well the reality of the contents/context) therein are a pretty accurate representation of the culture that surrounded, (in)formed, rejected, disfigured, inhabited, accepted us--making many of us the people we are today: completely fucking insane. In a totes awesome/endearing way, though; we keep it real. Frealz.

I've taken the liberty of breaking the letter up into paragraphs for ease of reading, as well as clarifications of places/events (they will be in italics within brackets).

Much love to my boy Jay, holdin' it down in the dirty third.

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Dear Linda,

Girl, I miss you. Bein locked up in her is just not fair cuz I love you more than I love weed. Now I know I've said that before, but baby girl, you gots to believe me. You know, it's like that one time at Bayfest [an awesome/trashy, annual city festival/carnival complete with rides, food/vendor booths, and washed up musical acts] when when I shot them ducks and gots you that big tweety bird. Girl, I spent 30 bucks tryin to shoot them ducks. You know how much weed I could have bought with dat der money. Cuz I'm a balla, I could of got like 2 blizzies off my cuz.

Speaking of my cuz, Shorty, I've heard you been calling him up sayin that you think about leavin me. My other cuz be sayin that you be sayin that your girl be sayin that 2 weeks is too long to wait for no man. Now I know I be servin some hard time but baby girl, you know I gots to do me for me.

So I know Whataburger [awesome local fast food place] be payin you on Friday, and I wonderin, well you know I love you, I gots you that tweety bird, you know, and since I can't be on the grind, since I aint stuntin in here, can you put some money on my commissary. These guards be treatin me bad like my name's Yolanda and I just shot Selena. Shorty, I tried to holla at Hot Z-95 [local rap/R&B station], you know, send out a dedication to you, cuz i know you be listening for our song, but they don't be acceptin no collect calls up in that ho.

First thing when I get up out of here, Ima smoke a blunt and then take you out to eat at Boat N Net [fast food seafood shack. the drive thru "intercom" is a pvc pipe you yell into] and go see a dollar movie. Nah you know what, my cousin owes me like $12.50 for some herb I be sellin, so I'm gonna take you out to the movie and then Golden Corral. I mean I get out on Monday but let's wait til Wed, you know movies be cheaper then.

You know let's got eat and then go to the dollar show and babe, bring that big Gucci purse, so we can fill that ho up with gummy bears from Golden Corral. See if your momz will let you take some of those sodas too, cuz you know my momz only be buyin that Hill Country Fair [local cheapie store brand] stuff.

Speakin of my cousin I heard from my cuz that he saw you at the mall with your cousin and he say you be dressin all like you goin to the club, but its all good cuz I know you aint cheatin on your big daddy like that. You know that Master P song "Them Ho'z crazier than a bag of Ding Dongz" came on and I thought about you. Especially that line about "girl, can you put some money on my books, this world throwed and them cops be a bunch of crooks." That always makes me think of you.

You know speakin of which, since you my shorty and I'm your daddy, you think that when you get payed on friday you can put some money in my books. Nah, better yet check this, you know how me and your cousin used to date, well I know HEB be payin her ass on Tuesday so see if she can put some money on my books. Tell her if she remembers that one time i spent like 2 twenties on her at Bayfest trying to win her that Tweety poster that said "smoke weed." And what about that time I got money from my momz and bought both you and her a funnel cake at the rattlesnake races [exactly that].

Yo, i saw Joker from Robstown, his ass got locked up and your cousin Flip, he's in here too but I heard that the secret service be lookin at your uncle tito because he connected to all that blood shit.

When I get out of here boo, I'm going to buy me one of the Escalades on 32's. I'll get you one of them baby pits that my cousin flip be sellin you know.

Your Southside Country Gangsta,
Dope Boi

PS- Tell your brother to put some money on my books. I know Stripes [local convenience store] pays him on Monday.